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Wednesday, 08 July 2009
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to be or not to be... i'm leaning towards not
All of my life I've been this actress... we all do it. We become a different person depending on who we are with or what situation. I just never realized how easy it was to slip into another role until I started being myself. I'd never found a person that liked me for who I actually was... I mean, with everyone, family included, I left something of myself out in every interaction. You know what I mean... you don't talk to your mother about sex or your tattoo... you don't always give the whole truth to someone because it might hurt their feelings.... you walk away when someone makes you mad because it's the "good" thing to do. And the funny thing is... people know you are doing that, and they don't say anything because that's what they want. Or that's what they seem to want. They are happy with the little bit of you that you give them, because if they got the rest, well... who knows.
These are just theories, of course. A lot of it is insecurities. You know, all my life I felt like the 'friend'. And I don't just mean with guys. Even with the girls... I felt like the sidekick who was hanging out with the prettier, more popular girls. I could pretend or act confident, but geez... was I lacking. I'm still like that, after all of these years.
The past couple of years have been difficult. I found myself retreating from everyone, family and friends. And it was easy. As long as you don't really talk about things, they usually don't push you to let it out, because they are afraid that you might be unstable or something of the sort. Especially when you've been a strong appearing individual for most of your life. But I did have a person around that wouldn't ever let me keep it all in, matter of fact, he got angry when I tried. One person that I couldn't keep anything from at all. It's hard to have that taken away. And I've been trying... so hard... to open up with others, but I can't. I can't. Makes me believe...
All in all, it's just another brick in the wall.
You knew the metaphor was coming. Had to. It always does. But at least it is a good one. I really do feel like that. Like there's this big indestructible wall that is encasing the spot where my heart used to be. Silly me, protecting an empty spot. And there i go again... mentioning something that gives just a little bit of the situation, but not the whole thing. And tomorrow or the next day, I'll be pretending that everything is okay again. I'll smile, I'll laugh, and everyone will look and think that life is just grand. Because it's easier, because it's simpler. Because I'm acting.
Monday, 16 February 2009
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Guess what? It's late again, time for me to blog, lol. It's February 15th! A month and a half of 2009 is already gone. Wow! Time is flying by so fast. I'm doing decent with my New Years resolutions. I'm maintaining my weight, losing fat and gaining muscle and I'm still trying to stay positive. I've been spending more time with the kids, and I'm thinking of going to school to be a histotechnologist. So much to consider.
Yesterday was Valentines Day! And I must say that it was the best Valentines Day I have had in my life. The gift I received from my Scruffy tops my list of favorite gifts ever. I'm an incredibly lucky girl. Everyday I'm more in love than I was the day before.... though I didn't believe that was possible before. Life is good. I'm smiling and I can't stop. I hope that these good feelings stick around.
A couple of people from my past found me and requested me, which was weird.... They are people I knew from ages ago... like grade school. For some reason, they found themselves thinking of me. Very flattering. I'm hoping to renew our friendships.
Just a short update for now. More to come later.
Currently: Funhouse
Tuesday, 03 February 2009
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I'm not that girl
There isn't a lot about me that I've ever found to be spectacular. When I was younger, I had fun and I got some attention... but I was never that girl. You know ... the girl that everyone likes, the girl the guys want to date, the girl that is special. I was pretty cool, I don't doubt that. I hung out with the guys that the girls wanted, was always the good friend, but never more than that. I guess it was because they figured that I wasn't hanging out with them hoping for more? Hell, they even talked to me about other girls, lol. I suppose that I was just really good at being a friend. And then... when I got a little older... and married... I still wasn't that girl. I wasn't special, I wasn't really wanted. My feelings were easily put to the side because I was the girl who would overlook things. I was the girl who didn't like to rock the boat. I was the girl who would deal with things just to keep the peace. Sometimes... I'm still that girl.
I want to be the girl that has that confidence that everyone sees. The one that people see and admire just for how she carries herself. I want to be the girl that is such a good friend that you'd confide all your problems and emotions to her. I want to be that girl who you just can't imagine being without. I want to be that girl that inspires those around her. I want to be the girl that makes your forget everything just so you can be with her.
But... I'm not that girl. and that is okay. I am me, happy to be who I am... and someday, maybe, I will be that girl.
- Time is Running OutCurrently: Absolution
Friday, 30 January 2009
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Getting through
I've been having some difficult times lately, mostly brought on by the stressful situations in my life, and I've been letting them get the better of me. Looking back on my resolutions, it's time for me to shape up. Especially with the positivity.
I have support from some of the most amazing people. And without them, I don't think that I could survive. My family is amazing. We get along and we stand together, and we love each other. But admittedly, I tend to still keep things to myself and I try not to burden them with my problems, my issues. I'm the strong one, damn it! I hate feeling vulnerable. To me, it is a show of weakness, and the idea that I am weak, drives me crazy... As much as I love them all, sometimes it's hard to let them in.
What has made everything easier for me, is having a best friend who listens to me and cares more about my feelings than I ever thought possible. While I sometimes try not to lay everything out there, there really isn't anything that I can keep from him. All of my emotions, all of my issues, he can coax out of me easily. Sometimes the words flow so easily, and sometimes I don't think I can ever get anything right, but in the end, I know that it's okay. My best friend is the man I love with everything that I am and every day I realize more and more how lucky I truly am. My heart is open, all the walls broken down around it, and I'm not scared with him there to protect it. My only hope is that I can do the same for him. I want to be the one that makes everything alright. Because he deserves it. He deserves to have the best.
So ... positivity? I'm going to work my damnedest to be the ONE that makes everything alright, baby.
- the ReflexCurrently: Seven and the Ragged Tiger
Friday, 16 January 2009
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So it's another one of those nights where I tried sleeping and didn't have much success. And of course that is frustrating! So I thought I'd come and say a little something about what is running through my head, which really isn't all that different from what I usually say, lol. But I'm hoping that it will help. A lot is happening for me in 2009. First and foremost, I will be going full time at my new job very soon, which means health insurance for me and the kids. Such. Good. News. I'm very excited about it, not only because I like my job, but because it puts me back on the road to independence. Hard place to find, right now, but I won't stop looking.
Next, I had a rough weekend. Friday afternoon and evening had the potential to be very very bad. I've got to be the luckiest woman alive in my opinion. Sometimes I wonder how I managed to find the man who could get past all of the walls that I've built, deal with the emotions I have, and stay with me after the rough moments when any sane person would have walked away. But we have a connection, one so close it sometimes scares me and I don't believe that it can be broken, even with my insecurities, because I have his love. I need it to survive as surely as I need the air that I breathe.
Which makes it difficult to go into the next thing on my mind which is my insecurities. Why do I have them? I'm feeling more confident than I have in almost my entire life, and yet... I still feel like I'm not good enough. And it is caused by so many things. I'm still not happy with my appearance, though I'm working hard on that. I question my role as a good parent, another work constantly in progress, . And on occasion, I wonder about my ability to satisfy my Gage. Tonight was a good night, I'd even call it wonderful. And I just hope that I can continue to make him feel special.
Yay! Tired now.
- Far AwayCurrently: All the Right Reasons
hizbutterfly
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- Name: beni
- Gender: Female
- Member Since: 12/15/2008
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About Me
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I'm a Neurotic Half Japanese Gamer Girl
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Life throws challenges at you daily... it's your reaction to them that says who you are.
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Boy, I hear you in my dreams I feel you whisper across the sea I keep you with me in my heart You make it easier when life gets har
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